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mbg Spirituality & Relationships Editor

By Sarah Regan

mbg Spirituality & Relationships Editor

Sarah Regan is a Spirituality & Relationships Editor, and a registered yoga instructor. She received her bachelor’s in broadcasting and mass communication from SUNY Oswego, and lives in Buffalo, New York.

Image by Ibai Acevedo / Stocksy

July 14, 2023

It’s relatively normal to experience “mixed feelings,” AKA ambivalence, toward your romantic partner—but when do those mixed feelings spell trouble for your relationship? According to new research published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science1, here’s what to know if you’re experiencing ambivalence.

For this study, researchers wanted to dig into the connection between ambivalence toward one’s partner and overall health and relationship outcomes. To do so, they identified four types of ambivalence, which are as follows:

1. Objective ambivalence: The presence of both strong positive and negative evaluations toward an objec
2. Subjective ambivalence: The conscious and direct experience of conflict
3. Implicit-explicit ambivalence: The mismatch between people’s self-reports and their implicit evaluations 
4. Implicit ambivalence: Similar to objective ambivalence, implicit ambivalence refers to the structure of the attitude, but occurs at an implicit level when people have strong positive and strong negative automatic evaluations

The researchers studied over a thousand couples and individuals over the course of a year using questionnaires, daily diaries, and follow-ups, to assess things like ambivalence, relationship satisfaction, and relationship outcomes.

And based on their findings, objective and subjective ambivalence were significantly (and negatively) associated with both personal and relational wellbeing. The same findings were not seen with implicit-explicit and implicit ambivalence, which didn’t show strong associations to wellbeing.

“Indeed,” the study authors write, “the present findings suggest that it is primarily the awareness of conflicting feelings (i.e., subjective ambivalence) that is especially associated with people reporting negative outcomes, at least for relational well-being.” They add that in romantic relationships, “people may be most threatened by the awareness of their ambivalence given the strong desire to see their partner positively and the potentially relationship- and life-altering implications that acting upon one’s evaluations may have” (i.e. breaking up).

But when the ambivalence is more subconscious (AKA implicit), the study authors explain that the impact on relationship and individual wellbeing isn’t significant.

If you’ve been feeling ambivalent in your relationship, this study also points out that ruminating on feelings of ambivalence can make outcomes worse, so if you can make an effort to stop ruminating, that would be a good place to start.

Rather than ruminating, try having an open and honest conversation with your partner about the way you’ve been feeling. Ambivalence is a tough line to walk, and some levels of it are to be expected, but talking about it with your partner can help avoid any miscommunication, unvoiced expectations, or assumptions.

If you’re experiencing ambivalence that’s taking a toll on your wellbeing, it may also be worth considering if it’s time for the relationship to end. Again, it can be tough to know how much ambivalence is normal, especially if you still love your partner, but if your relationship is making your life worse more than it’s making it better, you might be better off going separate ways.

Here’s how to know when it’s time to break up, plus the telltale signs that indicate you’re falling out of love.